


Love Is Just Another Mission

by xxwriter389xx



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Multi, and a confused and hurt shepard, and some humor, hope shepard, is badass, its got some angst, who tries to be strong no matter what
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-04-05 19:34:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4192266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxwriter389xx/pseuds/xxwriter389xx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A journey through Kaidan and Shepard's relationship starting at the beginning of Mass Effect 2 into Mass Effect 3. </p><p>The instant Kaidan had closed the doors to the escape pod he regretted leaving Hope behind. Truthfully, the second she commanded him to go he felt snake-like fingers of terror grip at his insides.<br/>But he had no choice. She was Commander Shepard and he of all people knew she would carry him there if he refused to obey her orders.</p><p>Or in other words, it all starts when Shepard dies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I started this a while ago but it's almost done. I have basically most of the second to last chapter written.

The instant Kaidan had closed the doors to the escape pod he regretted leaving Hope behind. Truthfully, the second she commanded him to go he felt snake-like fingers of terror grip at his insides.

But he had no choice. She was Commander Shepard and he of all people knew she would carry him there if he refused to obey her orders.

And she would do the same with Joker because knowing him he'd think he could still save the ship.

"She's going to be fine, Kaidan." He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder and looked up to meet Liara's wide eyes.

To him, she had always appeared to be less capable than she really was. Her eyes held knowledge of course but he struggled to get past the innocence in them. Although her obvious attraction to Shepard did cast a bit of a negative light on her at first.

He was aware then that he had been clenching his fists so tightly he could feel his nails digging into the flesh of his palms. He relaxed his hands and released the breath he had been holding.

"Yeah…" he nodded.

"She's Shepard," Tali spoke in her quirky accent. "She'll be more than fine."

He smiled the slightest bit, appreciating their efforts to calm him down.

He had been hesitant at first, about accepting all of these aliens into a crew he had assumed would only be human. But Shepard's decision had been the right one as always. Although Wrex did still set him on edge.

But despite the girls' reassuring tones, even after they had been picked up by a fellow Alliance ship he still wasn't able to calm down. Not until he had Hope next to him would he be able to relax.

His footsteps were keeping a constant tempo as he paced up and down the metal floor.

"Kaidan, please, I need to check to make sure you're alright." Dr. Chakwas' eyes followed him.

He hadn't told her about the gash in his side. The constant throbbing and stinging had dulled enough where he was able to hide it. He had to make sure Shepard was alright. That was all that mattered right then.

An alarm sounded suddenly, signaling an approaching object and Kaidan ran to where the pod would dock.

As soon as the door opened, the air releasing with a whoosh, he felt his heart sink.

"Where's Shepard?" His voice was hoarse with worry.

Joker sat alone and his eyes met Kaidan's and dropped to the floor.

He felt the anger grow inside him and he yanked Joker up by the front of his shirt.

"Tell me where she is, Joker. Where is Shepard?!" He demanded.

"She's gone, Kaidan! I'm sorry…"

He felt the other man's shirt slip through his fingers. Everything felt numb. The only feeling that bubbled over was anger-- fury even.

"You mean she lost her life protecting you?! If you had just agreed to abandon ship--" He froze.

Lost her life.

He could barely see Joker, too many thoughts and emotions were blurring his view of the outside world.

"She's not here…You don't know she's dead. She could still be alive. We have to go back and look!"

"Kaidan, she's gone. She was thrown off the ship. There's no way she survived." Joker's voice was softer than usual, knowing this was no time to be his trademark funny self.

Liara's bright blue eyes had darkened and were filled with tears, one hand covering her mouth. Tali stood next to her, placing a friendly hand on the small of her back. Garrus was looking away and Wrex was nowhere to be found.

This team was nothing without Shepard and they knew it.

Kaidan couldn't stand this room anymore, he felt like he was suffocating. He knew this is how Hope have felt. Her air would have run out eventually, if she was lucky enough not to have the tank damaged. And as the air slowly faded away it would have gotten harder and harder for her to breath…

He felt his feet moving but he wasn't sure where he was headed.

A fog had encased his thoughts, he couldn't escape.

What had her last thoughts been? She knew she was dying. She must have had regrets.

Why had he left her?! He punched the nearest wall.

His chest was struggling to hold itself together. The cracks were forming like an overfilled dam and he felt sick to his stomach.

He fell to his knees, shutting his eyes tightly against the bright, spinning world. But all he could see was her face.

And then he began to cry. He sobbed, harder than he had in a long time. The Alliance crew around him meant nothing. He couldn't hold it in and fall apart in private; he had no control anymore.

Pain wracked through his body, stemming from his heart.

Why did she always need to be the hero? Why couldn't she have accepted his help and let him stay? Maybe then she'd be alive. Or he'd be dead instead of her.

Too many people had died to protect him already and he felt like Hope was just another to add to the list.

He was still trying to get over her choosing to save him over Ashley and now…

It was supposed to be a new start, they would finally be able to commit to their relationship. Everything would finally be…okay.

She made him smile, made his heart skip a beat, stomach fill with butterflies and could have him babbling like an awkward idiot by just looking at him with those ice blue eyes.

Ashley would always tease him about being the girl in the relationship, but strangely he didn't mind.

But without her he was falling apart. He needed to breath and he couldn't see past his tears.

He could feel footsteps vibrating against the floor. Voices were close but so far away. The burning in his side was growing more intense by the second and he struggled to keep his eyes open. Someone had a hand on his shoulder and was helping him up.

He was involuntarily gripping his side and he shut his eyes against the spinning. He felt the floor rush up to meet him and the grip on his shoulder tightened.

"Whoa there, Kaidan," Garrus' voice met his ears. "This looks bad…"

"Kaidan? Can you hear me?" Someone else was speaking.

Suddenly he was lying down, his armor and shirt being removed to assess the damage.

"Oh dear…That crash gave you quite the beating didn't it?"

"I don't know much about humans, doc. You think he'll be alright?" Garrus questioned from somewhere in the room.

"He's lost a lot of blood…"

The voices were fading away like the light.

Someone was urging him to hold on but he just didn't have it in him anymore.

He felt her name form on his lips and it escaped, only as a whisper.

"Hope…"

And then he let the darkness envelope him and he felt at peace.

He heard her voice.

"Don't you dare let go, Kaidan. This is not the end for you, do you hear me? Don't let go!"

He could feel her presence. He knew she was there. And if he lost this feeling…he would lose himself.

"As your Commander I order you to hold on. This isn't your time. I repeat this is not your time!"

And then everything fell away, even her.

 

 

The world come back in a rush of light. A shock rippled through him from his chest, and air poured into his lungs.

He tried to look around but his vision was swimming.

"Please, Kaidan, you need to relax." Dr. Chakwas' voice sounded from above him.

"Shepard…where is she??"

"Let me stabilize you then we can talk."

He couldn't escape the overwhelming sense of heartbreak. And he let a restless sea of black take him.

 

 

As he became more aware of his surroundings he could hear hushed voices coming from the other side of the room.

"…have to wonder if he'd have been happier dying…"

"Liara!" It was Tali.

She sighed. "I may not have had my feelings returned, but I love--loved Shepard as well. So I can imagine how he must have felt…"

"He's stronger than you give him credit for, Liara." Garrus said. "If he didn't have the will to live he would have let go."

"I did." Kaidan's voice was weak. He saw the three of them look over. "But she wouldn't let me. You know Shepard though, whatever she says goes…"

"Oh, Kaidan…" Liara got to her feet.

He turned his head away from them and shut his eyes against the tears.

"I just want to be alone right now…" he said quietly.

"You got it." Garrus rose and Tali followed him out the door.

Liara lingered for a moment in the threshold.

"I'm so sorry, Kaidan."

And then the door closed.

~~~

He'd like to say that over the next two years things got better; so to make that true he lied to himself. He buried himself in work and was promoted, reaching the status of Lieutenant-Commander. The team all lost contact with each other and part of him liked it better that way. Without Shepard there was a gaping hole, a constant reminder of what was lost.

With a new squad, new people…he could almost pretend nothing ever happened.

Almost.

There came a point when the day's work ended and his mind was left to wander. And it always came back to the same thought.

That he should have died instead of her.

That he could have saved her.

That maybe…they could have been happy together.

And once he was finally able to drift into sleep, it was restless.

"Kaidan…you need to let me go."

She was fading. Each week that went by without her, the more she faded in his dreams.

"I can't…"

"You can't or won't?"

He sighed. "I don't want to…I can't help feeling that…maybe somehow…"

"Kaidan…" She brushed her hand along his cheek and he pressed my face into her hand.

The recollection of her touch was fading and tears sprang to his eyes.

She wiped the tears away.

"Letting go will help with the pain…"

"But I can't help feeling you're still here! That you're still alive…"

"For once if I commanded you I don't think you'd listen," She smiled a little, dropping her hand to his knee.

"There are a few things you have no control over, Commander," he leaned in closer to her and as always, just before he kissed her, he woke up.

His eyes opened upon a dark room yet again, tears streaming down his face. He looked to the table next to the bed and saw the picture was safe and sound.

The media always caught Hope looking determined or inspiring or fierce, but when with the closest in her crew, she relaxed. She was always straight with the odds of winning and enjoyed their company. She bonded individually with each member of the squad, even managing to get Wrex to not mind her company.

But there were the moments when they were alone, when her doubts showed clearly on her face.

When he just wanted to hold her.

"Can't just pull out a good old fashion "it'll be alright" can you?"

He chuckled. He was known for over-thinking things. "It's that easy huh? Okay then, everything'll be fine, Hope. You'll figure it out."

But the moments he truly loved were when she smiled.

The moment he was positive she was the one was captured in this photo.

Her coffee colored skin, sandy hair, ice blue eyes. The look of wonder she had, seeing the true Citadel through that window. The city spread out before her. Moving from space station to space station all her life meant she had never really seen anything like this.

While he was in awe as well, it was her that really grabbed his attention.

He had always had a bit of a…well a crush on her. He looked up to her, saw her determination and will to challenge the impossible. Not to mention her beauty.

But at that moment, seeing her look so genuinely amazed by something took his breath away.

"Why wouldn't the galaxy like humans? We've got oceans, beautiful women, this emotion called love." She smirked. "According to the old vids we've got everything they want."

Kaidan smiled. "When you put it that way there's no reason they wouldn't like you-- I-I mean us. Humans. Ma'am." He stumbled over his words.

Ashley looked to him, amused. "You don't take much shore leave do ya, LT?"

But Hope had just smiled, meeting his gaze.

"Thank you, Lieutenant."

Ashley smirked at him knowingly and he looked down, blushing.

"Commander Alenko?" Lilith's voice came from outside of the trailer.

He snapped out of his reverie and finished getting dressed.

Most of the people on the colony of Horizon hated the presence of Alliance.

But there were worries about more attacks and he was sent to confirm the existence of Collectors.

There had been rumors… Before coming out here, Anderson warned him that there were whispers of Shepard being alive and working for Cerberus. But it didn't add up. The Shepard he knew would never join a terrorist organization like that.

And more importantly: how could she be alive?

 

 

When the Collectors hit, they weren't prepared, and he knew that he had let everyone down yet again.

Unable to move, he accepted that this would be how he spent his last moments alive.

But then he started to hear gunshots. And it was puzzling. If everyone had been frozen by these strange bugs…it was impossible for anyone to be defending themselves.

Unless…

And when the Collectors fled and the bug's sting wore off he headed for the main gun control; hoping that whoever had activated it would still be there. And then her voice confirmed it.

"I didn't want it to end this way, I did what I could."

"More than most, Shepard." Kaidan was shocked to hear Garrus as well.

From where he was standing to he could see Delan turn back around to face her. "Shepard...wait...I know that name." He thought for a moment. "Sure I remember you. You're some type of big Alliance hero."

Kaidan finally stepped past the crates and the moment he saw her he thought his knees might give out. "Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel." He came to a halt. "You're in the presence of a legend, Delan," he paused, looking back to her after casting the man next to him a glance. "and a ghost."

Delan rolled his eyes. "All the good people we lost and you get left behind. Figures. Screw this. I'm done with you alliance types."

Kaidan let him walk away and without saying anything he stepped closer to her, pulling her into a hug; one she immediately returned.

He wanted to fall apart, tell her how much he missed her-- how much he needed her.

"Kaidan…" she pulled away slightly and smiled at him.

That smile…God he'd missed it so much.

"Hope…" Just being able to say her name again, where she could respond…

"I sense a past connection here." A rough voice sounded from behind her. Kaidan looked to see a girl covered head to toe in tattoos.

Shepard laughed a little. "It's been too long, Kaidan. How've you been?"

"How have I been? Shepard, I thought you were dead." His tone was serious. "Is that all you have to say? You show up after two years and act like nothing happened. I thought we had something, Shepard, something real." His brow was drawn together in pain. "I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart." His voice was rough with choked back tears and his burning hazel eyes conveyed the passion in his words. "How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try and contact me?? Why didn't you let me know you were alive??" All of the emotions he'd held back for so long were bubbling over and the only place for them to go was out.

"We do have something real, Kaidan." Her voice had a hint of desperation in it. "You have to believe that. I wanted to contact you but when I went to the Citadel Anderson said your mission was classified."

"And what about the rest of the past two years, huh?"

"That wasn't my choice. I spent the last two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me."

He took a step back then, betrayal clear on his face. "You're with Cerberus now…" Even saying it out loud didn't make it seem real. "Garrus too…I can't believe the reports were right."

Garrus spoke up then. "Reports? You mean you knew?"

His eyes barely strayed to him before going back to Shepard; afraid she might disappear if he looked away too long. "Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing colonies. I got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stone-walled me. But there were rumors… that you weren't dead. That you were working for the enemy."

That she took very seriously. "Cerberus and I want the same thing. To save our colonies. That does not mean I answer to them!" Her hand cut through the air with a symbol of finality.

His eyes narrowed. "Do you really believe that? Or is that just what Cerberus wants you to think?" The pain was clear in her eyes as much as she tried to disguise it. This was killing her. His tone softened. "I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive. But I never expected anything like this…" His face grew hard again, anger rising up. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. All the times he imagined her being alive…they never turned out this way. "You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the alliance." He locked eyes with her, being sure to convey everything he'd felt in the past two years to her through one stare. "You betrayed me."

And what her eyes told him in return was that she couldn't understand why he would do this to her. But he felt the same way.

"Kaidan, you know me. You know I'd only do this for the right reason. You saw it yourself! The Collectors are targeting human colonies andthey're working with the Reapers. The Council wouldn't listen, the Alliance wouldn't listen. No matter what it takes I have to save these people."

He sighed. "I wanna believe you, Shepard. I wanna believe your ideas are your own…that you're the same old Hope that I remember but…I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you! What if they're behind it?! What if they're working with the Collectors??"

Garrus growled in frustration. "Dammit, Kaidan, you're so focused on Cerberus that you're missing the bigger picture." And chasing away the one thing you've wished you had this whole time.

Kaidan could sense the hidden meaning in the Turian's words.

Her eyes were begging him to understand. "You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts."

His jaw tightened. "Maybe. Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you're the one who's not thinking straight. You've changed. But I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier, always will be…"

"You know, of all people, I thought you'd be the one to understand me, Kaidan. I guess we've both changed…" She looked away.

He sighed. "I've gotta report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not."

"No…" She reached out to him. "Come with me, Kaidan…please. It'll be just like old times." She forced a smile.

He brushed her hand away and shook his head. "No, it won't. I'll never work for Cerberus." He took one last good look at her; wishing things didn't have to end this way. "Goodbye, Shepard." He paused. "And be careful."

As he walked away he heard her speak into her intercom, the voice of someone pretending to be strong. "Joker, send the shuttle to pick us up. I've had enough of this colony…"

You and me both, Shepard. You and me both.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James makes his appearance, the Reapers attack Earth and everything goes to hell. Yayyyy!

"Back to check on me again, Lieutenant Vega?" Shepard looked away from the window to the door.

"That predictable, huh?"

"You're one of the few visitors I get." She leaned against the window frame. "If I can call you that." She smirked.

"Hey, I'd much rather be out getting some real action- no offense." James raised his hands as a sign of innocence. "I'm not the babysitting type."

"I'd gladly let you out guns blazing but I apparently need a babysitter. So you're out of luck."

"How you haven't gone crazy I don't know. I know I'd have gone crazy being looked up here."

"Maybe I am crazy. The Alliance seems to think so…" She locked back out the window, leaning her elbows against the sill. There was a silence. 

"Permission to speak freely, ma'am?"

She nodded.

"I think these sons-a-bitches are idiots to keep you locked in here. You saved millions of people and they repay you by keeping you in a room when you should be getting a medal. You should be out there kicking ass and taking names!"

She looked to James, smiling a little.

He continued. "So what if you worked with Cerberus? You only did it so you could save the asses of the people who turned their back on you. For a woman you've got some real cajones."

"For a woman, huh?" She smirked.

"Well you fill out that outfit a little too well not to be a woman."

"If I didn't know any better I'd say you were flirting with me."

"With an attractive woman such as yourself? Never." He came to stand next to her. "For what it's worth, Shepard, if I have to be stuck babysitting someone, I'm glad it's someone kickass like you."

"Thank you, Lieutenant." She nodded and moved to stand in front of him. "Now am I allowed outside to get a little workout?"

"I think they could deal with that."

"Alright. Let me get changed and we can head out."

James nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

Shepard walked over to the drawers, still refusing to hang up any of her few clothes. That meant you were staying a while and she still hoped that wasn't the plan. She opened drawer after drawer, searching for her sports bra. As she shifted some miscellaneous things aside she uncovered her picture of Kaidan.

She stood, arms on either side of the dresser, staring down.

"Commander?" James' voice drifted from the other side of the room.

She shut the drawer with more force than she had intended.

"Be out in a minute." She smiled.

For the short time he'd known the Commander he could occasionally see a haunted look in her eyes. She'd been through a lot but still acted like nothing fazed her. She'd seen things that were more suited for nightmares but she managed to stay strong, to keep fighting. And it just made it even worse that they were keeping her locked in here.

She stepped out of the bathroom, wearing only a sports bra and shorts.

"Damn. I knew you were packing some cannons in there."

She laughed. "My eyes are up here, Vega." She pointed to them and made her way to the door.

She fell into her natural role of leadership and he stayed a step behind her. He'd say it was out of respect but in reality he was reserving the right to check out her ass.

On his way to see the Alliance Council, Admiral Anderson passed them.

James saluted him, as did Shepard, despite her stripped rank, and smiled.

"Shepard, it's good to see you getting out. Don't want you getting soft on us."

She rolled her eyes. "I hardly see you and when I do you call me fat."

He laughed heartily and looked to James. "Watch yourself, Lieutenant. This one here will kick your ass the first chance she gets."

She spared James a side glance and smirked.

"And I believe she just issued a challenge." Admiral Anderson shook the Lieutenant's hand. "Good luck." He turned back to Shepard. "I was just on my way to see the Council so I better not keep them waiting."

She nodded and saluted him.

"No need for that, Shepard, we're just two old friends."

"So first you call me fat, now old?"

He laughed heartily and walked away. Not many people saw the Admiral so openly friendly with someone. He stopped at necessary politeness with most.

"Old friends huh? I've never seen anyone with the balls to talk to him that way." He fell into step next to her.

"I've served under Anderson since back when he was a Captain. He's a good friend." She stepped onto the training field. "So are you ready?" She crossed her arms.

"Yeah. Let's see some of those fancy biotics I've heard about."

Without warning she sent a shockwave at the ground next to him.

"Shit, chica, not at me!"

"If I was aiming for you, I wouldn't have missed. Trust me."

"Well how about some head to head, Commander?"

She cracked her knuckles. "You're on."

~~~

As Kaidan exited the chambers on the Alliance Council he spotted Anderson.

"Admiral Anderson." He shook his hand.

"Major Alenko, how bad is it in there?"

"They're scared. But I'll let you see for yourself."

"Major?" Shepard came to stand just behind Anderson.

"You hadn't heard?" The Admiral looked to her.

"Anderson, I haven't heard anything these past six months." She turned her gaze on Kaidan. "It's been a while, Major Alenko."

"Shepard…" Despite himself he smiled.

Seeing her back in the Alliance…was strange but…nice.

"Well we better get going." Anderson headed for the doors and Shepard followed.

"You know the Commander?"

Kaidan kept his eyes on Shepard's retreating form. "I used to."

James sensed the deeper meaning in his words and being this was his superior he kept his mouth shut.

Once the door closed, Kaidan turned to James.

"How do you know her, Lieutenant?"

"I've been her babysitter for the last six months. Ever since she turned herself over to the Alliance she's been on lockdown. Funny way to treat a hero if you ask me."

"I'd be careful, Lieutenant Vega, the Alliance takes Cerberus very seriously." He paused and locked eyes with him. "I take Cerberus very seriously."

"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir."

Kaidan gestured for Vega to follow and began walking away. "Tell me, how has the Commander been these past six months?"

"If you're asking as my superior then she's been normal. No signs of working with Cerberus-- no incoming messages from them and no attempts from her to reach them. She seems to get why the Alliance has to do this."

"Of course she does. She's been here a long time and if she didn't understood protocol by now I'd be concerned."

James laughed. "Yeah. But if you're asking as someone who cares about her…"

Kaidan didn't respond and he took that as a "yes".

"Well then you should know that I had never met the Commander before. Only saw what was in the vids. She comes off as a major badass in those. And not that she isn't, but she's also a lot more caring than I expected. I could tell she was worried about the team who helped her take down the Collector base. And until she heard that they were pardoned she wouldn't stop fighting for them." He shoved his hands in his pockets. "While she seems pretty content most of the time, after she's been alone for a long period of time she gets these…looks. Like her mind is somewhere else. And I dunno…I guess she's pretty damn worried about a lot of things. She's been through a lot. But I don't needa tell you that."

Sounds like the same old Hope, Kaidan thought.

He watched the younger man the entire time he spoke and out of nowhere posed a question.

"You're not considering breaking regulations, are you, Lieutenant?"

"What? No sir! I know the rules and I wouldn't cross that line."

"But do you want to?"

James looked to him, trying to figure out whether he really needed to answer this question. "Major, don't get me wrong, Shepard is a crazy-talented woman, and admittedly she's very easy on the eyes, but I know my place. I'm nothing but a Lieutenant, my job is to obey her, not date her."

"Hmph."

James realized then that he might have hit a sensitive spot. But a sudden loud crash interrupted all surrounding conversations. Bodies all turned to face the source of the noise. The Council Chambers had just been hit. But with what? 

Kaidan ran to the nearest window and his eyes widened as he witnessed hundreds of Reapers landing all around the bay.

"Holy shit…" James was dumb-founded.

"Shepard…" Kaidan looked in the direction of the room she had gone in. "Shit." He looked around him at the scared and shocked faces. If only they had listened…

"Alright everyone, suit up. There are people out there who need us and the more time we spend standing around the more people die. Let's move!" He paid no mind to what rank any of these soldiers were, now was not the time.

"Vega, come with me."

"Where are we going?" James questioned as they both broke out into a run.

"We're going to find the Normandy. If I know Shepard, she's gonna need it."

The Major spotted an open equipment locker. "No time for armor. Grab a gun and let's move."

He obeyed but couldn't help but question it. "What do you expect us to do? Shoot those huge fucking things?"

"Reapers don't come alone. They have ground forces. And lots of 'em." Kaidan was typing rapidly on the keyboard of a radio and clipped on an ear piece, handing one to the lieutenant. "Joker? Joker do you copy?"

"That you Alenko? Damn it's been a while. One hell of a reunion, huh?"

Kaidan saw that time with Cerberus hadn't changed him. "We're going to need you to pick us up."

"I'm hoping that means the Commander is with you?"

Kaidan was silent for a moment. "Her and Anderson were in the Council Chambers when it was hit. I'm going to try and contact the Admiral now."

"Understood. Sending you the rendezvous location now."

He looked to James. "You heard the man. Let's move."

Upon exiting the building they were met with just what Kaidan expected and more. His brain had switched over to that of a soldier. There was no time to reflect on the fact that this was his home, being destroyed in a matter of seconds. The warped creatures used to do the Reapers' bidding were closing in on them and he knew it would be one hell of a fight to make it to Joker.

"Ready Lieutenant?"

"Yes, sir." 

Kaidan nodded and ran to cover. This way he would be able to target these bastards without being shot down within a matter of seconds. James followed suit and from this vantage point they fired shot after shot at the oozy inhuman creatures.

As they cleared each area, the number of enemies seemed to increase, and James had crushed the skulls of at least 3 husks this time around by the time the Normandy was in sight. 

Kaidan was so focused on his aim that the only thing alerting him to the shuttle's approach was James' call out to him. He began backing towards it, shooting various targets along the way. 

"Vega!" He shouted. "Let's go!" He noticed then a husk running up behind the lieutenant; who was too busy with the enemies in front of him to notice any behind. Kaidan took aim and fired, hitting it but apparently only enough to wound it. It rounded on him then, shrieking as it lunged at him. 

He fought it off barehanded, finishing it off with a punch packed full of biotics but not without acquiring gashes from the creature's razor sharp nails down his back.

James followed him onto the shuttle. "Damn," he said, rubbing his shoulder. "Those creepy little bastards are quick, aren't they?"

"That and they could really use a manicure." Kaidan reached to touch his back with one hand, cringing at the sting.

"Oh shit." James peeked over at the wound. "That looks nasty."

"I'll patch it up in no time." He opened his Omni-tool and tried to raise the Admiral.

"Anderson? Do you copy?"

"Major Alenko, is that you?" Kaidan could hear gunfire in the background.

"Yes, sir. What is your position? We're at the Normandy."

"I--try to reach--radio." Static filled the line but soon he was able to understand him a bit better. 

"Is Shepard alright?" He couldn't help himself from asking.

"I'll patch her through."

"Thanks, Anderson, but I'm a bit busy shooting these sons-a-bitches." A few shots were fired. He could just imagine her as she wiped sweat from her brow and ducked behind a wall. "Alenko? I'm here."

"Shepard…" He couldn't hide the relief in his voice. "I'm at the Normandy. If you can find a way to send us your location we'll come pick you up."

"You know me, Major, I'll find a way." And with that she disconnected.

Once on the Normandy he made his way up to the bridge. "Joker. Prep for combat and be ready for the Commander's signal."

Joker nodded. "Hear that EDI?"

"Of course, Jeff." A computerized voice responded.

"Jeff huh?"

"Oh shut up, Major."

Kaidan chuckled, despite the situation, because unlike so many things that had changed, Joker was still the same old Joker.

 

Kaidan had gone further into the hangar as the Normandy took off and was cleaning his gun when Shepard came in, Vega in tow.

"What the hell's going on? Where's Anderson? Where we going?"

Kaidan held back a chuckle because the Lieutenant sounded like a child.

But seeing the serious expression on Shepard's face stopped him. She didn't slow her walk and her brow was drawn together in thought.

But James was obviously impatient and as he came to a halt he shouted to get her attention. 

"Hey!"

"We're leaving." She continued to the console. 

"Leaving?!" His voice rose an octave as he hurried to catch up with her.

Kaidan chose to butt in then. "What's going on?"

She turned to look at me. "Anderson wants us to go to the Citadel. Get help for the fight." She turned back and continued typing.

"Bullshit! He wouldn't order us to leave!"

He could sense Shepard getting angrier by the second. He was surprised she was putting up with this right now.

She faced him and stepped closer. "We don't have a choice. Without help this war's already over." Her hand cut across the space in front of them as a symbol of finality.

"Forget it. Drop me off someplace. Cuz I'm not leaving!" It seemed Vega wasn't used to following her commands being as she hadn't had her rank for the past six months.

She cut him off from going any further, jabbing her finger at his chest.

"Enough! Don't you think I'd rather stay and fight?!" She shouted. "We're going to the Citadel. You want out, you can catch a ride back from there."

James glared at her for a few moments and Kaidan looked between the two of them. He waved her off then, and waltzed off.

She sighed and turned back to the console and he took a few steps closer to her. But before he could reach her Joker's voice came over the speakers and patched a comm through from Admiral Hackett, ordering them to secure some sort of Prothean Archives and somehow Liara was involved. Kaidan could see this was shaping up to be quite the reunion.

After adding his two cents, Shepard ordered James to get ready. Knowing the travel from earth to mars wouldn't be too long, Kaidan moved to suit up as well.

"Kaidan? What happened?" Shepard came over to him. "You need medi-gel." She searched through the supplies around them.

"Looks like I'm not the only one. You got quite the nasty bump when the Reapers hit the Council Chambers." He touched her forehead gently without thinking.

She stopped for a moment and looked to him.

And hell if those ice blue eyes weren't enough to stop his heart in its tracks.

He jerked his hand back. "I…I'm sorry, ma'am."

"Oh so I'm ma'am now? Not even Shepard? Ouch." She smirked and went back to searching. Upon finding the medi-gel she opened a tube and ordered him to turn around.

"Shirt off, Major."

He coughed awkwardly and couldn't help but blush. He obeyed despite the embarrassment and removed his shirt. The gel was cold and he almost jumped when she rubbed it on.

"Whoa! Warn me next time would ya?"

"What did you think I was doing??" She laughed a little and he shivered, telling himself it was because of the temperature and not his girlish reaction to her.

When she finished he turned to face her. "Thanks. And now you should use some on yourself."

"A few cuts and bruises never hurt anybody."

He gave her one of his famous eyebrow quirks. 

She rolled her eyes. "I see what you're trying to do. Well I'll humor you then." As she applied a small amount he realized the easiness of this conversation. But then the thoughts of doubt and betrayal crept in and he turned away. "I'm going to suit up."

He heard her sigh. "Yeah…" 

 

Ever since the awkward incident with the medi-gel Kaidan was completely avoiding eye contact. Shepard couldn't think about that right now. The storm on mars was gathering with fierce intensity and they had to reach Liara--if she was still alive that is. Cerberus troops had taken over the facility and Kaidan made it no secret that he thought somehow Shepard was involved. 

Once in the elevator he chose that as the perfect time to question her about it.

As she finished typing into the console for the elevator, the door banging shut, Kaidan walked up behind her. 

"Shepard…" he began. "I need a straight answer." Their eyes met through the helmets.

She sighed. "Kaidan…" Her hand went to her forehead out of habit, turning away, and her glove met glass.

"Don't 'Kaidan' me! This is business!" He pointed at her back. The intensity in his voice caught her off guard and she turned to face him.

"Do you know anything about why Cerberus is here?"

And that just pissed her off. "What makes you think I know what their up to?" She crossed her arms.

"You worked for them for God's sake. How am I not supposed to think that?" He turned away, leaning on the railing.

"We joined forces to take down the Collectors. That's it."

"There's more to it. They rebuilt you from the ground up, they gave you a ship, resources!"

She stopped him right there. "Let me be clear," she came to stand next to him. "I've had no contact with Cerberus since I destroyed the Collector base. And I have no idea why they're here now or what they want."

James had been watching them and stepped forward then. "Commander Shepard's been under constant surveillance since coming back to Earth. No way they've communicated since."

Kaidan straightened up. "Sorry, Shepard…" 

The room had finalized pressurized then and they took off their helmets.

She turned to look at him then, meeting his eyes straight on. "You of all people should know what I'm about, Kaidan."

And that seemed to shut him up. He looked down and then turned away from her, not saying another word. 

Besides the accidental longing look she gave Kaidan while he wasn't looking and him accusing her of being a Cerberus puppet, she'd say the rest of the mission went smoothly…until the end. Kaidan had always been brave, but except for the incident with the Prothean beacon on Eden Prime he'd never been reckless. But attempting to take on an all-powerful AI one on one was something she'd consider reckless.

Eva had him dangling a few feet above the ground, robotic hands holding him by the front of the helmet. 

"Kaidan!" She ran around the crashed shuttle and took aim. "Let him go." Her voice didn't waver.

Eva paused, asking for orders from who Shepard guessed was the Illusive Man. And suddenly she turned and readied to slam him into the burning Cerberus shuttle.

"No!" She cried out, desperate for the first time in a long while.

The robot slammed his body into the metal a number of times and then let him drop to the group.

Rage filled Shepard. She wanted nothing more than to kill this bitch. And when Eva turned to face her, Shepard fired repeatedly until the burnt robot body fell. 

She stood for a few moments, panting with adrenaline. Then she looked to Kaidan and ran. 

"Grab that thing! Take it with us!" She shouted, pointing to the AI robot, kneeling next to Kaidan. She tried to keep her emotions in check, lifting him up and carrying him onto the Normandy.

The next thing she knew she was laying him gently onto a bed in the med-bay.

She gazed at his bruised face, his helmet now removed. 

"Kaidan needs medical attention." Liara leaned over the bed, closer to Shepard.

She could barely hear Liara speaking to her as she reined the emotions in.

"We have to leave the Sol system."

"I know…" her voice sounded broken. 

Liara gave her a sympathetic look. "The Citadel is our best chance. We can find help there."

"Get us to the Citadel, Joker."

"Roger that."

She looked back to Kaidan, stroking the side of his face.

"Hold on, Kaidan…" She spared a glance for Liara. "See what you and EDI can learn about that thing." She gestured to the body James had dropped onto the examination table.

When hearing Admiral Hackett was on the line she reluctantly turned away from Kaidan, heading for the comm room.

The next few hours were a blur of worry and confusion. And when she finally saw Kaidan in that hospital bed she almost broke down. She hadn't cried in a long time. Maybe not even since her father was killed in action when she was 15. And that felt like a lifetime ago.

But seeing Kaidan so broken…and so close to death. She understood now, why he had acted the way he did on Horizon. She could imagine the trauma of having lost a loved one. And seeing her back was unsurprisingly a real shock.

"Kaidan…oh God…it's hard seeing you like this." She took a deep breath, attempting to steady herself. "Don't know if you can hear me…but since you can't tell me to get the hell out either…I'm going to take my chances." She smiled a little but then it faded. "Don't die, Kaidan. You've got to fight. We need you in this. Seeing you in action again reminded me you're one hell of a soldier. The Alliance could sure use you." She paused, tears welling up in her throat. "I could…use you." She saw the doctor out of the corner of her eye and looked to him. "You need anything, doc, lemme know." She looked back to the broken man in front of her, the one she loved. "Come on, Kaidan." Her voice was pleading him. "Fight." She turned and walked out, stopping in the threshold. She looked back one last time. "And that's an order."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan says he needs some "time", Thane makes an appearance, Shepard gets drunk and Shepard and James take their friendship a step further.

All the destruction and all the death was beginning to take its toll on the Commander, and everyone around her could see it. And on top of that, Kaidan had known all along about her relationship with Thane.

When she had gotten the message that he was awake, she had felt so relieved. She rushed to see him and upon walking in she didn't even mind that Udina was there, as much as she disliked the bastard.

And after some small talk they locked eyes, staying silent for a few moments.

"I'm glad you asked me to come. It's good to see you're gonna be okay…" She gazed at that bruised face, her hand itching to reach out and stroke it.

"Thanks." He gave her a crooked smile.

"You almost died on my watch….It was horrible to see." She looked down, feeling the emotions she'd been trying so hard to suppress well up inside of her chest. 

He paused for a moment and then spoke again. "I want you to be straight with me then. I just wanna be sure…after Mars…after Horizon…you and me…we're good." His voice was hopeful and she looked up to meet his hazel eyes.

"We've been through hell together. Had each other's backs. That kinda bond is hard to break."

He shook his head. "No. Not just that. You were my Commander sure. But you listened, too. We went through Ash's death together…" His eyes still betrayed the guilt he felt over that.

"Yeah…we did."

"So what do you say?" He sighed and all of his emotions were splayed out in his eyes like a canvas. "Are we good?"

"We're good." She smiled. "It was great to have you back on the Normandy."

"Thanks…" He trailed off, looking to his hands 

She narrowed her eyes the slightest bit. "What's goin' on? Is there something else?"

He looked to her, eyes like a sad puppy. "Yeah…maybe…I heard something about you and some assassin."

"Kaidan I'm…" She put her head in her hands, leaning her elbows on the bed he was lying in. "Sorry… I never meant to hurt you. We were so far apart… And after our fight on Horizon… You made it pretty clear you never wanted to see me again."

"Yeah… I'll own that. Man…seeing you alive sent me spinning…" He swallowed hard and Shepard could see something burning deep in his gaze. "And uh…I handled it badly. I'm sorry, Shepard. I just want you to know…for me," He paused and she could see the tears forming. "There isn't anyone else…"

"Kaidan, I'm so sorry…" She could see where this was going and she would do anything to stop it.

"I need time, Shepard…time to think…time…"

"Away from me." She stood. "I understand." She turned away from him. "Get better soon, Kaidan." And then she walked out. 

She needed a drink. A strong one. 

"Siha…" 

Walking through the lobby she heard his unmistakable voice.

"Thane?" She walked to the window where he was standing. "When I got your message I…I was worried I was too late."

"Do not fret. I am still here. But you already look upset. What is troubling you?"

She sighed. "Just…worried about…" What was he now? "A friend." 

"The human biotic in intensive care?" He coughed into his hand. "I saw the marks of an implant."

She nodded. "Yeah."

"We have spoken. He was holding out hope that a woman would visit him… Is there something I should know about you two?"

She sighed and turned, walking a few feet away. "We were…together for a while before the first Normandy was destroyed."

"And grew apart I gather." He closed the distance between them slowly and she looked to him. "Your enemies may try to finish him off here. I will look out for him."

"I appreciate it, Thane." She touched his shoulder gently. 

"I am near the end of my life…It is a good time to be generous. I have only a few loves left, and you are my last. Let me do what I can for you."

She smiled and felt tears threatening to spill over. She gently kissed him; an innocent kiss, reminiscent of a past that would never repeat-- and this began to feel like a goodbye. "You've been…more than I deserved, Thane. Thank you…for everything."

He sensed the finality of this conversation and nodded, smiling the slightest bit.

"I don't regret anything, Shepard. Not one moment. I hope we can meet again someday. Perhaps under better circumstances."

She nodded and turned away before she let the tears fall from her eyes. She took a deep breath, willing them away before a single one fell. And with that she left.

And headed straight for the bar. 

She immediately ordered a drink upon arriving. 

"Commander?" James came to stand next to her. "I don't think I've ever seen you order a drink without being coaxed into it."

"Yeah well," she downed a shot. "It's been a tough day."

His brow creased the slightest bit. 

"Shepard!" Garrus slapped her on the back and his mandibles flicked into a grin. "Finally ready to take me up on the offer of a drinking contest?"

"You're on, Vakarian."

"Count me in!" The Lieutenant exclaimed.

Shepard turned to the bartender. "Keep the drinks coming." And she headed for the table, seeing the rest of the gang was already there. Liara was talking to EDI about something; most likely not bar conversation--perhaps maybe even some quantum physics over drinks. And Joker sat, letting his eyes trail along EDI's new "sexy robot body" as he referred to it. 

"Shepard!" Liara saw her and broke into a smile. "It's so good to see you out."

"You gonna drink with us, Doc?" James smirked.

"I'm afraid drinking is not really "my thing", Mr. Vega."

"Better to stay out of it anyway, Liara. I'm about to drink these two under the table."

"We'll see about that, Scars." James replied to Garrus' cocky statement.

"I doubt you'll be seeing anything but black when we're all done here, Jimmy." The turian followed suit and sat across from the young man.

Shepard stayed quiet, not feeling like such good company at the moment. Maybe with a few drinks in her and she'd have something more to say.

"You okay there, Lola? You're lookin' more than a little down."

She sighed. "I guess you could say that… I guess all this is just catching up with me. And today didn't help anything."

"Is the Major alright?" Liara tilted her head and her brow puckered in worry.

"Oh he's recovering just fine… He just needs some… 'time to think'."

"So in code he dumped your ass?" Joker piped up.

"Yes. Thank you, Joker."

James' eyebrows shot up. "I thought you guys were history already. I mean…it kinda came off that way."

"He was a little…unclear when we met up a while back." She answered.

Garrus leaned forward. "Which in code means, he threw a hissy fit back on Horizon about Shepard working with Cerberus and acted as if he never wanted to see her again."

Her teeth ground at the memory.

"Something else is bothering you, Shepard." Liara's doe eyes were on her. 

She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Thane was at the hospital. He's…not doing well."

"Damn, Shepard, it really has been a bad day, huh?" The drinks had arrived and Garrus passed one out to each of them. "A lot of shit has been going on. I'd say you've earned a nice black out."

She smirked a bit. "Please. I'm not going down without a fight."

"Woo! This is gonna be good!" James pumped his fist in the air and the three of them knocked back a shot, the first of many for the night.

 

"This is…interesting." EDI commented.

"And could turn out badly." Liara added. 

"Trust me, things won't get truly bad until Shepard starts dancing." Joker chuckled.

"You're not the first to make fun of my dancing. I still don't get it. I think I have moves!"

Garrus laughed heartily. "You have moves on the battlefield, Shepard, but the dance floor? I don't think so."

"I have moves other places as well, Vakarian." She winked and laughed.

"Breach in protocol! Take another shot." James slid a drink in front of her.

"Oh c'mon! It was a joke!"

"I dunno, Shepard, I feel pretty breached." Garrus backed him up.

"Screw you guys." But she complied and was soon met with another empty glass.

"It seems Shepard is in much higher spirits. This has been known as an effect of alcohol. But it is unwise for her to continue."

"Shh, EDI, this is hilarious." Joker had a huge grin plastered to his face.

"Not to mention it's nice seeing Shepard being able to relax," Liara said.

Garrus overheard and spoke. "This is a good way to relieve stress. Though you could do it like turians do."

"By how? Getting laid?" Shepard asked. "Please. I haven't been able to do that in over six months."

"There are always asari prostitutes, Shepard." 

Liara shot Garrus a glare. "Or human ones."

"Or you could just break regs and screw Joker." He continued.

Shepard laughed truly for the first time in weeks.

James had gone silent, watching her. He couldn't help but wonder: who was the last person she had sex with? It couldn't have been Major Alenko… And she didn't seem like the prostitute kinda gal. But by thinking about this, the gates of his mind were opening up to all different types of images. 

He shook his head, taking a drink to try and stop himself from thinking any further. 

He noticed then that his eyes had trailed down from her breasts to…places more south-- and shit this was his Commander what the hell was he thinking?

He stood up suddenly. "I uh…gotta take a piss." He hurried off towards the bathrooms.

Shepard's brow creased. "What was that all about?"

Garrus smirked, knowing fully what was going on. "Why don't you go check on him Shepard? I'll get the next round ready."

She nodded and stood, somewhat unsteadily, and followed the direction he'd gone in.

"What are you thinking, Garrus??" Liara questioned harshly.

"Shepard needs this. Trust me."

"This is not going to end well."

"If Shepard gets laid then it's ending well."

"Oh! I don't want to hear about these things!" Liara covered her ears in response to Garrus' statement.

"Hey, Vega!" Shepard called out to him, finally catching up.

From here the music was muffled and no one was around; and knowing that just set him more on edge. 

"You should go back upstairs, Shepard. I'm fine."

"Hey…" Her voice was softer and she placed a hand on his shoulder. "I make it a habit to know when my crew's not okay."

And something must have snapped in him then because he turned and pinned her to the wall.

"Vega, what are you--?" 

He crushed his lips to hers, lacing his fingers through her hair. He pulled back after a few moments, realizing what he was doing and tried to gauge her reaction.

She blinked ice blue eyes, completely caught off guard. 

"Well that was pretty ballsy, Lieutenant." She smirked and he let out the breath he'd been holding. "But how about I show you a real kiss." And with that she tugged his face down to her level by the front of his shirt, the heat from her body emanating through her clothes. He longed for more as he wound his arm around her waist, yanking her closer, and rested his other hand on her ass.

"And do I get more than just a kiss, Commander?" he murmured against her lips.

She laughed and pulled back. "You think you can get out of this competition that easy? Well I have news for you, I'm not stopping till I beat you." Her lips were swollen and her face flushed. There was a mischievous glint in her eyes as she untangled herself from him.

"So unless you're throwing in the towel, come on." She winked and started back up the stairs.

"Right behind ya, Shepard."

"Please, Vega, call me Hope."

He fell into step next to her. "You expect me to call my commanding officer by her first name? That's almost like insubordination!" 

She laughed. "Oh man up, Vega. Learn to take a few risks." She smirked and gave him a knowing look as she went to sit down.

 

From the moment they returned, Garrus could see something had happened. He watched as the two of them engaged in the conversations around them, eyes occasionally flitting to each other. He could tell that the more they drank the more things they would regret would happen.

This night would certainly be an interesting one.

And by some point Garrus saw the Commander laugh more than she had the entire time he knew her. She was laughing so hard she was crying and he looked around to see that all the fellow crew members had smiles on too. And not only because of what he had just said was hilarious, but because Shepard was finally relaxing. 

"Maybe someone has had a little too much to drink?" Garrus raised what would be an eyebrow.

"Please, Vakarian. You can't get me out that fast."

"It wouldn't be fast. You've lasted hours."

"That's what she said." Joker piped up, and if Garrus didn't know any better he'd say that the immature joke had been to get Shepard laughing again. Maybe there was a heart under that sarcastic shell of his. 

A strange noise came from Shepard then and Garrus tilted his head in confusion.

"What in the world was that?"

"That was a hiccup, Garrus." EDI clarified.

"I'm sorry, a what?"

"You've never heard of a hiccup? The hiccups are something drunk girls get when they can't handle their liquor." James nudged Shepard and she swayed slightly, still laughing a bit in between these hiccups.

"Actually, Mr. Vega is incorrect. A hiccup is a quick, involuntary inhalation that follows a spasm of the diaphragm and is suddenly checked by closure of the glottis, producing a short, relatively sharp sound."

"I believe James knew that, EDI. He was just attempting to flirt with the Commander." Liara smirked the tiniest bit.

"Ahh, I see. I will… reassess." 

Garrus laughed. With this group it was impossible to get bored.

"How about another round?" Shepard proposed, holding up her glass, some liquid spilling out.

"Whoa there, Lola," James put his hand over hers to steady the glass and keep it from falling. 

"I believe you've had enough, Shepard." Liara took on a motherly tone.

"Let's at least take this party back to the Normandy. So if you do anything embarrassing it'll be on the record." Joker grinned at Shepard.

"I like that plan." Garrus nodded.

She downed the rest of her drink and stood up, nearly falling over.

James steadied her. "Looks like we're doing this the fun way." With that he hoisted her up into his arms.

That seemed to sober her up a little bit. "Whoa there, Vega, I will not be carried like a child!"

He smirked. "Would you like to ride on my back instead?"

"I know somewhere else she'd rather ride." Joker murmured to Garrus.

Garrus bit back his laughter, turning away to hide his reaction.

"I can walk just fine. I just stood up too quickly is all."

"Rather eloquent for how much she drank." Liara commented.

"I detect some 'slurring' as you call it." EDI responded. 

"If you say so." James put her down on her feet and the group made their way out of Purgatory and into what was now the "night" of the Presidium. The holographic sky had been darkened for its 6 hour nighttime period, leaving the streets mostly empty on their way back to the Normandy. Except for the occasional passerby and the Keepers, they were all alone. It was rare to see any part of the Citadel so quiet. 

And Shepard never had. 

The water looked so peaceful, everything was quiet. It stopped Shepard in her tracks. 

"You know what I miss about Earth?"

They all stopped to look at her.

"The moon. Going from space station to space station…you miss out on some of the small things. I guess that's why shipping me off to Earth wasn't the worst thing that could happen." She sighed, shoving her hands in her pockets. "But I guess none of that matters now, huh? If we don't stop the Reapers there won't be an Earth for that moon." Her shoulders were slumped and she began walking again, the rest left to stare after her in shock. 

"You know you're not alone in this, right, Shepard?" James called out.

"Sure as hell feels that way…" She mumbled. 

She continued to walk away and he went to her and grabbed her arm. "Hey!" He turned her around. "Who the hell am I then? All of them??" He gestured to the rest of the group. "And everyone else trying to help you?? You have a lot of people by your side Shepard, but you have to let them in. You can't take this all on your own!"

Her eyes narrowed and she yanked her arm from his grip. She took a step closer to him and looked about ready to deck him right there. "Who the hell are you to tell me what I can and can't take??"

"Everyone can see you're cracking under the pressure, Shepard! If you don't relax soon you'll explode!"

"I don't get to relax."

"You may be the Commander Shepard, but you're still human."

She turned away from him. "Tell that to Kaidan. He seems to think after the Lazarus Project I was turned into some Cerberus puppet."

"That's what this is really about isn't it? You're heartbroken? Screw Major Asshole. All I've seen is him be a dick to you!"

She rounded on him then, eyes burning with anger. Before he had time to react she had punched him directly in the face, causing blood to drip from his nose.

"You don't know anything about him."

He snatched her wrists in an iron grip to keep her from swinging again.

"Say another word about him. I dare you." She nearly growled.

She saw something in his eyes then, as if he'd forgotten where they were, that they weren't alone. Passion. The kind of passion that had you naked within minutes. The kind of passion that could get you into trouble. 

And boy was she in trouble. 

He cleared his throat and dropped her wrists. "We should get back to the Normandy," he said gruffly and started walking.

The rest of the trip was mostly silent, none of them knowing what to say.

EDI and Joker immediately headed for the bridge upon entering the ship; and Garrus and Liara rushed to the elevator, managing to avoid an awkward ride with the Commander and Vega.

As they stood and waited for it to come back down Shepard felt the effects of the alcohol return at full blast. They had been dulled by the rage but on the walk back they had slowly slunk back into her system. 

After stepping on, it was silent as they waited for the elevator to move.

"Sorry about the nose."

"Please, Lola, it'll take a little more than a punch from you to do any serious damage."

"Is that a challenge?" 

"I know better than to challenge you. I remember how well that worked out the last time." He made the gesture of massaging his shoulder. "And uh… sorry about calling Major Alenko 'Major Asshole'."

She stayed silent a moment then cracked a smile, laughing a bit. "It was a great play on words, I gotta say."

The jolt of the elevator caused her to lurch forward and she steadied herself on James.

"Commander, are you alright?" She could hear the concern in his voice.

She waved him off. "I'm fine, Vega, don't worry. It just caught me off guard is all."

"Maybe you should lie down." 

"Are you flirting with me?" She smirked and he saw she was joking.

"That time I wasn't, believe it or not." 

She took a step closer to him. 

"Maybe you should be."

His eyes flitted to her lips and back up to lock eyes with her.

"We're about to do something crazy aren't we?"

"I sure hope so."

There was a pause and suddenly she was pushed against the wall for the second time that night, lips and tongues melding with each other. She needed to be close to someone, feel someone else's touch. It had been so long…she needed this. 

Without thinking, she yanked his shirt off over his head, wrapping her legs around his waist. Upon feeling him grind against her a cry escaped her drunken lips. She slammed on the emergency stop button, bringing the elevator to an abrupt halt.

He stopped. "Are you sure this is a good idea, Lola?" 

"What? The sex or the location?"

"Well now that you mention it, I'd figure EDI monitors the elevator, especially when you hit that button. And unless you wanna give Joker a way to blackmail you…" He trailed off, smirking.

"Well you're no fun." She rolled her eyes. 

"No fun huh?" He released the emergency switch, the elevator finishing it's ascent to the top floor. "How about we go to your cabin and I take you way past 'fun'?"

She raised an eyebrow. "You're on, Vega." 

Not giving the door time enough to fully open, Shepard was tugging James by the belt into her room, forgetting completely about his discarded shirt. She stripped off all of her clothes, until she was standing fully exposed, all of her scars and bruises on display. 

"I may give you a couple more of these." He smirked, gesturing to one of the many bruises.

She left her clothes where they had fallen and made her way to the bed. "Bring it on." She spoke again as he was in the process of removing his boxers. "I should warn you, during sex my biotics tend to…act up."

He paused and then looked to her. "Kinky." 

She laughed. 

Being with James was immensely different from Kaidan and Thane. With them, it was about love, showing the emotions they couldn't put into words.

With James…it was about showing each other the ways they could make each other want more. He had always made jokes about getting her to scream his name, but she never thought it'd actually happen. 

The touches, the kisses, the movements; they were all rough and lustful, something she'd never fully experienced and she couldn't get enough of it.

A dull humming began as her biotics revved up, showing the depths the pleasure was reaching and with that final scream they flared up, knocking the clock off her nightstand along with shattering a mug she'd left there this morning. 

 

For a while the only noise in the room was the remaining coffee dripping from the shattered pieces of its container and their panting breaths.

"Well, shit, Lola."

She laughed, somewhat dazed. "Don't act like you didn't say my real name at all during that. I heard it." She smirked.

"Yeah yeah…Hope. But I seem to remember you screaming something along the lines of 'oh James, harder! I can't get enough of your huge co--'"

"I did not say that." She leaned her weight on one elbow, turning to face him.

"Maybe not word for word, but I knew what you were gettin' at." 

He looked her over. The sheets were a tangled mess, resting just below her hip. Her coffee colored skin was littered with bruises, some fresh and some even fresher--he smirked--along with scars; some the size of bullet holes, others long and jagged, others straight and precise. Thanks to technology most had been faded and could only be seen upon close inspection, but the newer ones were still purple. She had a lot on her plate right now; too much to worry about how she looked he guessed. 

He was curious about one scar though. It was a small line through her left eyebrow and without thinking he reached up to stroke it with his calloused thumb. 

"Why keep this one?"

She had started to doze off, but upon hearing him speak her eyes fluttered open. "Hmm? Oh uh…well it was one of the only ones that didn't come from fighting or war. Nostalgia I guess." She paused and looked to him. "And you? Why keep the scars on your face? And everywhere else for that matter."

"They remind me of everything I've been through, how hard I've fought to get where I am." He looked away, remembering his team, the one he'd let die for something that no one even needed. "And well they're pretty damn sexy if you ask me." 

"And here I thought you were gonna be serious." She rolled her eyes and smiled. She got out of the bed then, grabbing her underwear and putting them on. She picked up James' boxer-briefs from the floor and threw them to him. 

"Aww, ya didn't wanna spoon naked with me, Lola?" He smirked.

"Believe it or not, I don't think what we just did merits 'spooning'."

"Well," he pulled on his underwear. "Does it merit me staying the night? This room may be a little soft for my tastes, but the bed is damn comfortable."

She tilted her head to look at him, eyes narrowed. He could tell she was gauging if his reasons were the truth. 

She laid back down, leaving the sheet discarded at her feet. When she turned her body to face him, they locked eyes. 

Somehow their color always seemed to shock him. It was hard not to take her seriously. The ice in those blue eyes was always frozen, and he wondered if one day they'd melt. And if he'd be there to see it.

"You seem like the kinda guy who likes a girl to lay her head on your chest and say 'Oh James,'" she clasped her hands together, making her voice an octave higher. "'You're sooo dreamy!'" She dropped her hands along with the act. "But as I'm sure you've noticed, I tend to be rather…"

"Manly?"

She shot him a glare. "I was gonna say independent but thank you. Ya really know just what to say don't you?" 

"I have a way with words."

She rolled her eyes. "As I was saying, as long as you're okay with that, then feel free to stay."

He laid back and she pulled the covers up.

"The lights, EDI?"

"Yes, Commander."

The lights immediately went out, the aquarium dimming. 

"Thank you."

James raised an eyebrow.

"What??"

"You can't turn off your own lights?"

"I get lazy sometimes!" She turned away from him, shifting to get comfortable and he smiled.

She was human after all.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard starts to seriously doubt her sanity, James is an idiot and Kaidan comes back.

The same dream.

No. 

Nightmare. 

The shadows. The voices. All of the people she'd failed along the way. And the child… Always so close…but never close enough.

And upon watching him burn up, she jolted awake with a gasp. It was like coming up for air after being under the water for too long. 

She looked around, in search of something familiar. For a moment she was confused, seeing someone next to her. Her mind was fuzzy and her stomach felt off. That's when she remembered the drinking. Shit. A lot of drinking. And James.

As much as she knew it was wrong, she couldn't deny that she needed it.

But the heavy mist from her nightmare still hung in her head. She needed to wake up. When she stood, her stomach shifted and she groaned a little.

While she appeared invincible, the one think she couldn't handle was her liquor.

If Kaidan had been there…he would have taken the drink from her hand and smiled. 'I think you've had enough, Commander,' he'd say. And she'd protest, but in the end he would win. He always won when it came to that.

Upon entering the bathroom she shielded her eyes from the light, bending over the sink to wash her face with cold water. When she opened her eyes to look in the mirror she cried out, staggering back. 

Tubes running through the grey, dead skin. The glowing blue, hollowed eyes.

She looked…like a husk. 

She blinked hard, rubbing her eyes. And upon opening them again, she was back to normal.

She leaned over the sink, breathing heavy. This wasn't the first time this had happened. She'd seen things, fleeting images of all kinds. Sometimes a warped view of herself in the mirror, other times of someone who had been dead for a long, long time. And other times, she'd sense someone…watching. But when she looked around, no one was there. She chalked it up to the stress, but she worried that this all was becoming too much. That maybe she wasn't strong enough.

She shook her head to clear it, drying her face. 

The bathroom door slid open and she saw James, sitting on the edge of the bed, facing her. 

If she didn't know any better, she'd say he looked worried.

He'd turned on the bedside light and was patting the spot next to him.

Her bare feet padded across the floor and she felt like a kid again, sitting next to her father after a bad dream. 

"I heard you scream. Everything okay? Did I rough you up too bad?" He attempted to ease the situation with humor; normal for Vega.

But she just shook her head and stayed silent a long while. "We're friends aren't we?" She looked up from her knees to his face. 

"Well I wouldn't say that." He paused. "More like friends with benefits."

She cracked a small smile.

"Come on, Lola. I know ya got more in you than that."

She sighed, quiet for a long time. "I dunno how much more of this I can take…"

"Hey." He placed a large, warm, comforting hand on her back and took her chin in between his thumb and hand, turning her face to look at him. "You're Commander Shepard. You can do anything."

She jumped up suddenly. "That's just it! I can't!" She grasped at short, sandy blonde hair. "I'm only human! There's nothing remarkable about me!"

"Hope, you get people to follow you into hell on a daily basis. I'd call that pretty damn remarkable."

"Not remarkable enough to stop the Reapers…" Shepard mumbled, turning away.

He sighed. "If anyone can do it, you can."

"I'm not so sure anymore, James…"

"You're not the kinda person to go out without fighting like hell first. If we all die some fiery Reaper death, at least we went out fighting."

"Well, you're better at pep talks than Kaidan at least. But that's not saying much." She smirked the tiniest bit.

Even when she was down, there was always even the smallest of a spark hidden in the Commander. It's what made her so successful. He wondered if someday, she'd ever actually hit rock bottom. That was something he hoped to whoever the hell was watching over them up there wouldn't let happen. Without her they were screwed. 

Through all his time in the service, he'd hoped to one day at least meet the Commander, and had only imagined serving under her. Granted she was a bit…crazy at times, and the attraction he felt towards her wasn't exactly by the book; but she was still one hell of a Commander. She always stood by her team. And only after being forced to baby-sit her did he see the full extent of her nature. She cared. Simply put. She didn't sugarcoat things. Always wanted to help everyone. He saw her trying to comfort and freaking Batarian once, for God's sake! Him? He would have just shot it in the face and gotten things over with. But not her, not Hope Shepard. Hope Shepard could be shooting someone dead one minute, and the next be kneeling down to make sure a child in the Holding Area of the Docks was alright. She confused the hell outta him, but still managed to strike awe, and maybe a little bit of fear, something that was hard to do when it came to James.

And that's why it worried him to see her this way. To hear her scream in terror. Shepard didn't scream. So that meant something was seriously up. And unless he wanted to be thrown out of the room, he wouldn't ask why she did…

"Hey, Shepard?" He interrupted the silence. 

She lifted her head from her hands, looking to him from her spot on the couch. 

"You screamed before…" He began and saw her jaw tighten.

"It was nothing."

He raised an eyebrow.

She shook her head. "Don't do that…It reminds me of--" She stopped herself from continuing. She was vulnerable enough at it was. She'd already mentioned Kaidan once in this conversation. She wouldn't do it again. 

He ignored her, knowing what she was going to say. He wouldn't drop this. "It was something, Shepard. I've never heard you so scared. Except for when the Major was…" He trailed off and she looked away, shutting her eyes tight.

Damn. He'd made a bad move coming down this path. But now that he was on it… "Simple as that. I've never heard you so scared."

She stayed silent for a long while and he watched as she tried to hide the emotions struggling to make their way to the surface; each fighting for dominance. 

Finally she sighed. "Do you ever wonder if maybe…the pressure is getting to your head? Cuz sometimes... I see things that aren't there. Hear things that aren't there...all the signs of a crazy person…or worse."

"Or worse?"

"You've been explained all about Indoctrination, correct?"

He narrowed his eyes slightly. "Yeah…why?"

"I just wonder how long I can be around all this without getting indoctrinated.

"I think we'd all know if you were turning into some sort of Reaper zombie." He scoffed.

"Maybe not. It can be slow. Like with Saren…"

"I've heard about Saren and you're not helping the Reapers. You want 'em dead."

She stayed silent. 

"And about the hearing and seeing things; how much sleep have you actually been getting? That's all this is about. Stress and lack of sleep. You're not indoctrinated, Lola."

"Well I can't sleep 'cuz of the…never mind." She sighed and stood up. "I'm gonna shower…maybe try and get some work done. I have a bad feeling about this War Summit… Feel free to stay. You probably sleep like a rock anyway."

"That ain't the only thing that's a rock, Lola." He winked, eliciting a slight laugh from her. 

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah yeah."

"Sure you don't want me to do ya in the shower?" He called as she made her way back to the bathroom. 

The door shut. "Oh, I'm sure!"

 

Shepard yawned, pouring herself another cup of coffee. The "mess hall", if you could call it that, was still relatively empty. Most of the crew was either in the showers, or if they were lucky, still in bed. 

"Long night?" Garrus smirked, leaning an elbow against the counter.

She shot a fake glare in his direction. "I blame you for this, Vakarian."

"Me?" He feigned hurt. "You were the one who insisted you could drink me under the table."

"Yes well I only succeeded into drinking myself into bed."

"Oh you mean with the Lieutenant." 

"Don't act as if you didn't know." She took a sip of her piping hot drink.

"You needed to loosen up, Shepard. I didn't force it I just…got the ball rolling." 

She rolled her eyes. "Oh of course, how silly of me."

"Are you trying to say Jimmy didn't satisfy you?"

"As if that was any of your damn business." 

"Well," he began, as he removed one of the few dextro foods they had from the cabinet. "For everyone's sake, I hope he did. 'Cuz an uptight Shepard isn't fun for anyone."

"And here I thought you were the one with the stick up the ass, Garrus!" Joker shouted, making his way over to the counter from the elevator, EDI in tow. 

"How long until we arrive at the War Summit, EDI?" Shepard turned to her, ignoring the two men--if she could even call them that.

"Approximately 2 hours and 43 minutes, Shepard."

The Commander nodded her thanks, moving to sit down.

"Shepard…" She began.

"Hmm?" Shepard didn't look up from her Datapad. 

"I found this in the elevator. I believe it belongs to Mr. Vega."

"Oh hey," James came over. "I was just looking for that." He took the shirt she was holding. 

"You're welcome." EDI seemed to put emphasis on that.

He grunted some form of "thanks, Circuits" and didn't bother putting his shirt back on as he made his way over to the coffee maker.

"Such manners." Liara commented, coming out of her room.

"Well, we all knew he wasn't a morning person." Shepard replied and glanced over to him. Upon seeing his back her eyes nearly popped from her skull and she choked down her mouthful of coffee. She put down her mug and dropped the Datapad, rushing over to him. She pressed her back against his in an attempt to hide it from everyone else.

"Put your shirt on." She murmured.

"Huh?" He lifted an eyebrow, turning around to face her. 

"I apparently did some damage." She referred to the scratch marks up and down his back. "If they see those, I'll never hear the end of it." 

He watched her for a moment and slowly a smirk started to form on his face.

"Vega." Her voice took on a warning tone. "Don't even think about it."

He now wore a full-fledged smile and chuckled. "You brought this on yourself, Lola."

"Oh dear God…" She put a hand to her head, attempting to hide her shame.

They all knew something was up and the second James sat down they knew what.

Joker burst out laughing, knowing perfectly well what this meant. Garrus joined him, while Liara shook her head, a hand over her eyes. 

"So, the Commander likes it rough huh?" Garrus commented. "Good to know."

"Ya know what? I'm going to make sure the Primarch is ready for the War Summit. Can never be too prepared for these things." 

"Not so fast, Commander." Garrus grabbed the back of her shirt to keep her from leaving.

James looked to her and was shocked. He'd never seen her so embarrassed. She was always so sure of herself and her actions. But something about this made her cheeks flare up with color and had her blundering with her words like an idiot.

And he had never been more attracted to her. 

Suddenly he stood up and yanked her close to him, breaking Garrus' hold on her clothing, and crushing her lips to his.

Most of the crew had made their way into the Mess Hall by now and there was a collective shocked silence.

Joker's eyebrows shot up and Garrus' mouth hung open.

"Ho-ly-shit." The turian was the first to speak and that seemed to snap Shepard out of it.

She pushed against James' shoulders, separating them. With nothing more than a glare she turned on her heels and stalked out.

"Damn, she is PISSED." Joker laughed a little.

"Way to go, Jimmy! You've got some real balls pulling that out here."

"That was the worst possible thing you could have done, James." Liara warned him.

He shrugged and sat back down to resume eating. "She looked like she needed to be kissed."

"Not in front of everyone she didn't! Need I remind you she's in love with Major Alenko?"

He stiffened at Liara's words and turned a not-too-friendly stare on her. "I understand the situation perfectly, Doc."

She sighed. "I don't think you do…" But she dropped the subject.

And after the initial shock wore off and everyone went about their normal morning routine, Garrus caught James before he headed back down to the Shuttle Bay. 

"Hey, Jimmy, got a sec?"

"Hm?" He turned to face the turian. 

"About what Liara said…" he began and ignored the sigh coming from the younger man. "She's right. Shepard has had her eyes on Kaidan since back on the first Normandy. Don't let yourself fall for her."

James paused. He wasn't expecting that.

"You think I'm gonna fall in love with the Commander? Scars…I appreciate the concern but it ain't happenin'. Don't worry."

He nodded. "Well good luck with her. She's on edge as it is, and kissing her in front of the entire crew probably just made it worse."

Vega smirked. "I like it when she gets mad."

"You're still a teenager aren't you?"

"Hey! I ain't no teenager! I'm 23 years old!"

Garrus laughed. "And how old is the Commander?"

Upon hearing that, EDI immediately answered. "Well, according to her birth date 31. But considering she was technically dead for two years she may only think of herself as 29."

"Thank you, EDI, but I was joking."

"Oh." She paused. "Carry on then." 

James chuckled and hit the button to summon the elevator, the doors opening to reveal a very dressed up, and very pissed Commander Shepard.

She narrowed her eyes upon seeing him and Garrus whistled.

"Well I… have some calibrations to do." He turned around and walked off towards the Main Battery. 

James got in the elevator beside her and the doors closed.

She was wearing a uniform he'd never seen her in before. One of those "only for special occasions" types.

"Blue and gold. Lookin' good, Lola. Very professional."

She kept her head facing forward but glanced at him. "We'll discuss "being professional" later, Lieutenant Vega."

"Oh so I'm Lietenant again?" He goaded her, turning his body slightly towards her.

"So you wanna do this now??" She hit the emergency button, but this time not for the reason he wished it was.

He was suddenly regretting saying anything. 

"Uh…" 

"What else would I refer to you as? After you embarrassed me in front of my entire crew?! They look to me for leadership! They can't see me as someone distracted by a buff child!"

"Oh come on, Hope, it wasn't that big of a deal!" 

She shook her head and reached for the emergency trigger. "I don't expect you to understand, James."

"Hey, wait a sec!" He grabbed her wrist to stop her. "If you gotta know why I did it, it wasn't to embarrass you! It was just the opposite actually! You being embarrassed was just…really attractive!" 

"Well that doesn't give you the right to go around kissing me whenever you want to!" She fumed, yanking her wrist from his grasp. 

"What do you want me to say, Shepard?? I'm sorry?? Well I'm not."

She groaned and he half expected her to stamp her foot. "You're so infuriating!" She released the emergency stop and the elevator lurched. And upon the doors opening she stepped out. "I have a War Summit to attend. Go lift your weights." And then the doors closed.

He couldn't help but chuckle at her comment.

~~~

It had been a long few days, fighting through Cerberus troops at Sur'Kesh, having saved the Primarch's son only to lose him in the same day, and now they had to land on a Reaper infested planet to end a "disease" that had been plaguing the Krogan for over 1000 years.

"I should seriously consider a new line of work," Shepard commented, lacing up her boots. 

"Getting too old?" Garrus smirked, looking up from his freshly polished gun.  
She stood, rotating her shoulder and cracking her neck. "No, but I think I busted my shoulder yesterday and Dr. Chakwas is getting tired of me."

"Nonsense." Mordin commented. 

"Well there you have it, Shepard. Nonsense." Garrus nodded once.

"Yes, how silly of me."

"Ya know, Shepard, if we're going to Tuchanka we should bring Vega. I mean he is the closest thing we've got to a Krogan after all."

She laughed and looked over to James. He was mercilessly hitting a punching bag, completely in his own world. 

"Yeah, his head is pretty hard," she agreed. 

"Which head?"

She shot the turian a glare. 

"Too soon?"

"Comments like that will always be too soon." 

"Won't happen again." He raised his hands in innocence. "But he's getting pretty restless. Not being allowed out in days? He's like a dog, Shepard, needs fresh air. Well and maybe a target."

She nodded and looked back to James.

"Hey, Vega!" she called out and after not receiving an answer she went over to find an earphone in each of his ears.

She held the opposite end of the punching bag and waited for him to notice. It didn't take him long and he took one earphone out and looked to her.

"Commander? Did you need something?" He was slightly out of breath and a fine sheen of sweat had formed over him.

She paused a moment to look over him. "Suit up." A small smirk played on her lips and his face broke into a grin.

"You got it, Lola."

And after stepping into the hot, dry air of Tuchanka and getting their truck blasted on its top, Shepard knew she had brought the right team. Because if she was going to fight through an army of warped Reapers creatures, having someone not afraid to bash in some skulls was always a plus. 

And the occasional comment from James helped keep the bad feeling in the pit of Shepard's stomach from settling. 

The comments like: "So…warped rachni, giant killer worms and Reapers huh? Now that's what I call a party." or "I normally don't question your leadership, Commander, but are you fucking crazy?? You wanna run that way? You do see that Reaper don't you?" and her all time personal favorite: "Shit, did a thresher maw just hug that Reaper to death??"

But even his witty remarks couldn't stop the lump from forming in chest when it was just her and Mordin. 

"Would've liked to run tests on the seashells," he smiled gently, in a way assuring her that everything would be alright. 

"I'm sorry…" she struggled hard to keep her voice in check.

"I'm not. Had to be me." He turned, entering the elevator. "Someone else might've gotten it wrong." And with a tiny nod of his head and a smile, he disappeared out of site.

And even with the pure happiness of Wrex and Eve…it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to make Shepard not feel like crying. She understood that it was necessary…but why him? Why Mordin? 

She knew this wasn't the first of her friends she'd lost to this war and it certainly wouldn't be the last…but with everything weighing her down already…

She shut her eyes tight against the threatening tears and pinched the bridge of her nose, leaning forward slightly as they sat in the shuttle on their way back to the Normandy.

"He can run tests on seashells in Heaven…" she said quietly and James placed a gloved hand on her back.

"He was a brave man, Shepard. It had to be done." Garrus said.

She sighed heavily. "Had to be him…" 

Not another word was spoken on the ride back and as she stripped off her armor she could think of nothing else. She hoped he was up there, watching over them like her dad and Ash already were. Every death reminded her of all the things she had to lose.

And after stripping off her armor, she wanted nothing more than to step into a hot shower to wash away all the dirt and grime and death that clung to her. And suddenly James was next to her. Somehow he must have known, must have known how close she was to breaking. Because he rested a hand against her cheek and pulled her into a hug, a hug she desperately needed. 

Shepard knew she shouldn't hold it in. Her mother had always taught her to cry if she needed to. But she was worried if she started now that she wouldn't stop.

"You can let it out, Hope." James murmured against her ear and rubbed her back soothingly.

She shook her head. "That's just it, I can't." She pulled back to look into his green eyes. "There's too much riding on me for me to break down now."

And he simply nodded.

She'd say that was when they truly started using each other to relieve stress. It started out simple, as friends and didn't stretch beyond that. But she couldn't help feeling guilty. Despite Kaidan breaking it off, she knew it wasn't right. She was trying to fill this void he left a year before. She'd tried it with Thane, searching for love to replace what she'd lost, and while she thought she'd found it, upon seeing Kaidan again she knew she was wrong. That and the stress were all too much and she needed a sense of youthful normality. And James gave her that.

Shepard hadn't realized just how far her relationship with Kaidan had fallen until she was staring down the barrel of his gun, a distrustful glint in his narrowed eyes.

"Put down the gun, Shepard."

The authority in his voice came as a slight shock.

"You've been fooled, all of you. Udina's behind this attack. The Salarian councilor confirmed it."

"Please." Udina scoffed and stepped closer, a knowing smirk on his face. "You have no proof, you never do." 

Shepard ground her teeth.

"There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator behind us! If you open that door they'll kill you all!"

The Asari councilor looked to Udina. "We've mistrusted Shepard before and it did not help us."

Kaidan kept his eyes locked on Shepard's and for a moment no one moved, unsure of what they would do.

She gestured for her team to lower their weapons. Liara obeyed immediately, but James hesitated, looking to her to make sure she was positive, but then complied.

Kaidan let out the breath he'd been holding. "I better not regret this." And with that he lowered his weapon.

"You won't."

Udina shook his head and walked over to the console. "We're dead if we stay here. I'm overriding the locks."

"Udina, step away from the console." Kaidan walked over, leveling his pistol on the councilor.

"To hell with this," he began pushing buttons, ignoring the gun aimed at him.

And when council-woman Tevos attempted to stop him and was abruptly shoved to the floor, followed by the appearance of his own pistol, Shepard was forced to shoot Udina, killing him instantly.

Upon seeing Kaidan's shocked glance in her direction, she knew they would have a talk later. And she was correct.

"It's not every day you have an armed stand-off with someone you…" He had paused. "With a friend." he corrected himself. "How it all went down, it's got me…I don't know."

"I won't lie, I was worried I might illicit a warning shot." She smiled a little to let him know she was joking, but his brow was drawn and his gaze far off.

She sighed. "Okay. Talk to me. Let's have it."

"If I hadn't backed down…I feel like you woulda taken me out."

"You think I'm that much of a hard-weathered soldier? That'd Id start shooting friends? Never." Her gaze never wavered. "Besides, I trusted you and I knew you'd come around. That's all that matters. Main thing is, we stopped the coup and Cerberus is off the Citadel."

"But sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Shepard." He walked towards the window, looking out to the Normandy. "Later when you have to live with yourself. Knowing that you acted with integrity, then it matters."

"You're talking about Udina." She stated matter-of-factly. 

Kaidan stared back at her, not saying a word.

"He gave me no choice so I took the shot," she explained.

He looked back out the window.

"Any soldier would have done the same. Including you."

He sighed, turning around to face her. "Okay." He began to look uneasy and refused to make eye contact with her. "Look, Shepard, uh…There's another reason I'm here. Hackett offered me a position… But…I'd turn it down in a second…if there's a chance to join you on the Normandy again."

"Of course, Kaidan. It's where you belong."

He let out a sigh of relief and smiled. "Thank you, Commander." He shook her hand. "And, Shepard, I need you to know that I'll never doubt you again." Looking deep into her eyes, his next words carried a lot more emotion than he had intended. "I've got your back."

"Good to know." She smiled. "Welcome aboard, Major."

He saluted her. "Aye aye, ma'am."

And as he walked away she realized how much she'd missed the view of his ass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm basically done with the next chapter so I should be posting that soon.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan is back on the Normandy. More lives are lost. Kaidan and Shepard get closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am literally the worst at updating! I took a guess and said it will probably be about 8 chapters but if it's longer I'll update that. Thank you so much for waiting! A special thanks for NeverDyingRose here on Ao3. You were the first to comment on this fic and your more recent comment was honestly what spurred me on to update. Thank you so so much <3

“It’s good to have you back, Major.” Liara smiled.

“Dr. T’Soni,” he returned the gesture, taking a seat across from her in the Normandy’s lounge. “How have you been since I last saw you?”

As they continued their pleasantries Garrus and Shepard poured drinks.

“They still don’t use each other’s first names?” Garrus looked to her.

“I think they’re still unsure how to act around each other.”

“Oh you mean because they’re both in looove with you.”

She laughed. “Yes because of that.”

A sudden outburst from the poker table had them all looking over. 

“Oh yeah!” James pumped his fists in the air.

“Oh drat!” Samantha threw her cards down.

“You have to be cheating, Mr. Vega.”

“No way, Esteban, I won fair and square. You can kiss my Spanish ass if you don’t like it.”

“Oh, I’m sure he’d enjoy that.” Sam winked.

Steve sighed. “She used to be so innocent before she started playing with you.”

“Well I do have a nice ass, right Shepard?” He called across the room.

She rolled her eyes. “Can it, Vega, and grab a drink.”

“You don’t wanna grab one for the winner?”

She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow.

“Alright alright. Now where’s Joker? I could use another ass to kick.”

“Right here, Vega.” Joker walked in along with EDI.

Kaidan nearly jumped out of his seat upon seeing her. “What the—??” He threw a panicked glace at Shepard.

“Right. EDI took over Dr. Eva’s body without telling anyone,” she emphasized with a glance to the synthetic.

“I apologize if I ‘startled’ you, Major Alenko.”

“Wow it really is you, EDI!”

“Isn’t it great?!” Joker grinned hugely.

“She does look nice.” Kaidan nodded. “Even if she did nearly give me a heart attack.” He looked to Shepard as she sat next to him. “You could’ve warned me, ya know?”

“Aw but what’s the fun in that?” She smirked and he returned the gesture with a raise of his eyebrow. “Alright alright, sorry, things have been kinda hectic. But,” She handed him a drink. “I did manage to get you your favorite drink.” She smiled, handing him a glass of whiskey.

“Thanks, Hope.” He returned the smile, slowly leaning closer. Upon realizing he cleared his throat and pulled back.

 

A number of drinks later and James had given up on Joker because of his “illegal use of EDI to win” and had come to sit next to Shepard.

She was leaning forward explaining a game to Sam who was sipping on some sort of juice drink. Shepard’s legs were pressed against either of the men next to her.

Kaidan was trying his best to ignore it, though the slight pinkness on his ears gave him away. But James on the other hand was playfully hitting his knee into hers. She pushed back slightly but most of her attention remained on a very confused Traynor.

Kaidan watched Shepard and the young soldier interact and he couldn’t ignore the obvious chemistry they had. It only served to make him uncomfortable and itching to use his biotics to blow James across the room.

And when Kaidan locked eyes with him he could tell that, to James at least, this wasn’t just harmless flirting. And he couldn’t blame him.

Kaidan looked away and took a calming breath.

“Hey, Garrus, how about we try and teach Joker to play without help?” He proposed, deciding to take his mind off of things.

“Am I really that terrible?” Joker exclaimed.

Garrus laughed. “Yes.”

“Oo! I would like to play!” Sam jumped up, giving up on learning this new game of Shepard’s. “James?” She looked to him. “It’s not a game without you.”

“Sure, I’m in.” He followed Sam over.

Shepard had grown quiet. It seemed the more drinks she consumed, the more reflective she got. She rose then, going to the counter where she clumsily poured another drink. And when she knocked it back and it burned more than usual she paid no mind and sat down, joining Liara and EDI in watching them play. She was in no mood to play herself.

Her eyes rarely strayed from Kaidan. 

And suddenly missing him felt wrong. As she stared at the dimple in his chin, and the grey peppering his sideburns, the slight smile on his lips and the creases it made on his face, the way his Adam’s apple bobbed when he swallowed some of his drink. She felt dirty, unworthy even and she stood up, rushing out of the room and into the restroom, throwing up in the sink. There was a burning in her stomach and her thoughts were racing.

Suddenly a blue hand rested on her back, the other turning Shepard to look at her.

“Did I have some of the Turian brandy or something?” Like an answer to the Commander’s question she felt the fire spread from her stomach up into her chest and a mixture of a grunt and a cry escaped her lips. She nearly fell to her knees, Liara doing her best to support her. 

“It looks that way.” The Asari’s voice was controlled but her eyes betrayed her obvious worry. 

“Don’t worry, Liara, I’m fine.” She tried to hide the pain in her voice and didn’t succeed. 

Whatever it was, it was acting fast. Her vision was fading in and out and she fell against the sink, her stomach heaving violently until she threw up blood. 

“Major!” Liara shouted.

Something about the panic in her voice had him rushing in and after seeing the Commander he knew he was right in doing so.

She looked up at him from her spot on the floor, her fingers digging into her stomach, blood speckling her lips.

“Liara, go find Dr. Chakwas.” Kaidan knelt down next to her, brushing her damp hair back. “I’ll take her to the medbay.” He lifted Shepard up into his arms.

Liara nodded and rushed from the room.

As Kaidan made his way to the medbay Shepard gripped at his shirt, curling up tighter. “Don’t…” She swallowed hard. “Tell them about this. No use in getting them worried over nothing.”

“Only you would consider poisoning yourself with Turian brandy nothing.”

She laughed a little and then cringed, biting her lip to keep from screaming.

He laid her down gently on the exam table and she struggled to hold onto consciousness. 

“Dr. Chakwas,” he let out a sigh of relief and turned to her as the door opened.

“What’s going on?” She immediately went to Shepard’s side.

“She drank Garrus’ brandy.” Liara explained, standing back a little.

“Oh, Shepard…” She shook her head and began preparing various things. “Liara, keep her awake until I get this IV in. Kaidan, monitor her pulse while I get everything together.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Kaidan nodded and took her hand in his, pressing his two fingers to the faintly visible veins in her wrist.

“Is she going to be alright?” Liara asked as she stroked the Commander’s cheek to keep her aware of her surroundings.

“Well,” the doctor began. “Her Cerberus implants will be a very big help in this case. I just need to inject her with something to cleanse her system and while it’ll be painful, she’ll be alright.”

And she was correct, Shepard spent the next few hours painfully throwing up every last bit of what her stomach had to offer, and more. She passed out, hardly able to hold herself up any longer. And Kaidan spent the entire night watching her, making sure she was alright.

He had drifted off, attempting to sleep away the starting of a migraine, only to be woken up by the slight movement of Shepard sitting up.

She swung her legs over the side of the table and he sat up, rubbing at his eyes with one hand and yawning.

“Shepard?”

“Oh, Kaidan, you scared me.” She looked over, her voice weak. “I didn’t know you were in here…” She looked around, seemingly trying to gather her bearings.

“Are you feeling okay?” He stood up, ready to help her.

“Why am I in here…?” Her brow was drawn in confusion. “Did I drink too much or something? Cuz I feel sick, I think my esophagus is raw and I have a terrible taste in my mouth.”

“Those would all be because of the Turian brandy you drank.” 

Her eyes widened and she looked to him. “I’m sorry the what?? Shit. Thank you Cerberus.” 

A short laugh escaped him in the form of an exhale through the nose. “This time I would have to agree. Dr. Chakwas says you should feel back to your normal self by tomorrow morning.”

She was silent for a while and then sighed. 

“I’m sorry, Kaidan.” And he felt that this apology covered more than just drinking another species’ alcohol.

He was struck by how broken she looked.

“Hey…” He came to stand in front of her, placing a finger beneath her chin, turning her face up to look at him. “Talk to me. What’s bothering you?”

The moment she found him searching her eyes she turned her head, forcing his hand to fall.

“Kaidan…” The words were catching in her throat and she couldn’t believe the mess she’d gotten herself into. If only she could contact her mother…or knew where she was for that matter. 

“Everything is just so fucked up…” She put her head in her hands and he sat down next to her, saying nothing but always listening. “Thane’s dead. Just another to add to list I guess…” She stood up, walking around calmly. Suddenly she kicked the waste basket clear across the room, screaming, “fuck!” 

Kaidan jumped to his feet, caught off guard by her sudden outburst and unsure of how to react. But she didn’t notice—she was too busy fuming, itching for something to hit. A haze of blue surrounded her and with a wordless scream she released a biotic blast in every direction. 

He covered his eyes and then watched as she stalked out, following her into the elevator. He knew better than to speak and when she got off in the Shuttle Bay and began hitting a punching bag with bare hands, he let her. 

James looked up from where he sat on his bed, curling weights against his biceps.

“Shepard, you shouldn’t be—”

Kaidan silenced him with a shake of the head and James’ eyes stayed on Shepard as he made his way over to the Major.

“I thought she was passed out drunk last night. Why is she up at 6 am? And what’s got her so upset?”

He ignored the first question as it was better off being left alone, and instead decided to tackle the second.

“Thane dying?” Kaidan hoped that name meant something to the young soldier.

James’ brow creased and then he seemed to understand. “That’s the Drell assassin. Took a sword through the chest to save the Salarian Councilor.”

Kaidan’s eyes widened. “You mean Tannor?” That was the only Drell on the Citadel. Tannor was an assassin…?

James shrugged. “No idea, man. Either way, she was pissed at Kei Lang. Swore she’d kill him herself; stab him right through the heart he didn’t have.”

And then it clicked. That was the Drell assassin. The one Kaidan had asked about.

But he couldn’t be mad. He couldn’t even be jealous. He felt no desire to dirty the memory of the peaceful, steady-gazed Drell who had always come to keep him company when he couldn’t leave the bed; and even when he could.

Kaidan’s brow creased and he wanted so badly to take Shepard in his arms and tell her that…well that everything happened for a reason. That she couldn’t blame herself for everything.

But right now what she needed was a place to vent her anger and if he could keep that place from being him, he’d gladly allow her to take it out on a punching bag. That was, until she biotic-kicked it clean across the room, knuckles bloody, panting wildly, and looking about ready to lunge after it like a varren.

That was where he drew the line. He ran into the path of fire, placing both hands firmly on her shoulders. 

“Shepard.” Kaidan spoke, somewhat forcefully, voice gruff. 

And there was so much packed into that one word. That name had always carried a lot. It meant something to everyone, whether it be good or bad. Everyone knew the name ‘Shepard’. Whether it gave them hope or brought about disdain, everyone knew it. But it carried something different when Kaidan spoke it. When that name left his lips, it carried with it all the love, hurt and confusion he’d felt for over two years. But also strapped to its back, was a meaning no one else but Shepard herself could comprehend.

It gave her moment to pause; gave her a reason to look up into those brown eyes and see everything he was trying to tell her. 

It gave her hope. 

She wanted nothing more than to feel his arms around her, even if it was just as a friend. She missed the smell of aftershave and spice. A mixture that she wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. 

But instead she turned away from him and headed for the elevator.

“At least let me wrap your hands.”

“I have to shower.” Was her response.

And so, once he was sure she was inside her cabin, he took the elevator up and sat outside her door and waited. After hearing the shower turn off, he gave her a few minutes to dry off and get changed before knocking.

“Come in,” She called and her voice sounded far off.

Kaidan looked around, shocked by the size of her cabin. He smiled slightly at all the models she had behind glass, all of various ships and even a Reaper. As he walked closer, something squeaked near his ear and he looked over to see a space hamster; and his smile grew even wider.

But what really struck him wasn’t the models, or the hamster, or even the wall lined with a fish tank full of beautiful fish, but the skylight. He looked up and wondered how many nights Shepard had spent staring up at the millions of stars. He wondered what she thought about, and if those thoughts ever strayed to him.

“Now, this is a view I could get used to…” He spoke quietly and Shepard smiled slightly, looking up from the drawer she had opened.

He looked to her then, and almost jumped back when he realized she was only wearing a sports bra and the bottoms of her Alliance fatigues. 

“Oh, Shepard, I didn’t realize you were—I’m sorry.” 

She chuckled and turned back to the drawer. “When I heard someone knocking on the door this early, I knew it could only be one of three people. All of which I’m comfortable with seeing me half dressed.” She smirked slightly and he couldn’t help the stirrings of jealousy forming in his chest.

“And who would those three people be?” He tried to play it cool as he took a seat on her bed, having only a view of her back now. As if he were afraid of what he’d find on her face.  
She grabbed a shirt from the drawer and closed it, turning to face him and leaning back against the dresser. “Well,” she began, counting off with her fingers. “There’s Traynor, because while she was hesitant at first, ever since our late night games of chess she visits me up here more often. I think she just likes to check up on me. And she’s an innocent girl so I don‘t see the harm in letting her see me wearing a bra.”

“Commander Shepard playing chess?” Kaidan laughed. “That I’ve gotta see.”

“Trust me, it’s not pretty.”

“I would imagine it’s not.”

She continued. “And then there’s Liara. She doesn’t seem to grasp the concept of how-early-is-too-early. And the reason I let her see me that way is kinda selfish I have to admit. She becomes completely embarrassed and that’s when it’s easiest to see a bit of her old-self poking through. Reminds me that she’s not just the Shadow Broker, that she’s still the same innocent Asari I met back in the day; if not slightly less innocent since the whole ‘becoming the galaxy’s most infamous information broker’.”

“But they’re both girls Shepard. Well Liara is sort of…well you know. But I’m not. This kind of thing isn’t appropriate among crew members of the opposite sex.”

“It’s not like you’ve never seen it before.”

He tried to hide the sudden blush on his cheeks by turning his head away, rubbing the back of his neck. “I uh…”

She laughed almost silently and put her shirt on. “I’m just teasing you, Major.” She took a seat on the couch. “I’m assuming you’re here because of these.” She held up her hands, less bloody since the shower but still rubbed raw.

He nodded and sat down across from her. When he went to take out the medi-gel she shook her head. “Don’t bother. It’d be a waste for something this small.” He had a feeling she wanted to feel the pain, as a reminder, something to keep her grounded.

He put into his bag and took out some gauze instead. As he began gingerly wrapping her wounds she sighed.

“Everyone in that shuttle bay must think I’m fucking crazy, including you.”

He paused a moment, looking up to search her face, but it was devoid of emotion, eyes cast down.

He continued, moving onto the next hand. “Shepard, everyone knows you’re going through hell. And no one expects you to never vent. And what happened…to Thane. I know it must be hurting you.”

She looked up suddenly, meeting his gaze. 

“And before you ask, I know Thane and Tannor are the same man. Took me a little longer to figure out than I’d like to admit, but I know.”

“So you must also know…”

“That he’s the assassin you were involved with? Yes.”

Shepard stayed silent, Kaidan holding her hand long past the time he needed to wrap it.

After a while she pulled away, putting her hands in still wet hair. “He was dying when I met him. It was one of the first things he told me.”

Kaidan’s brow puckered. “Then why did you…”

“We were both lost, I suppose. Needed a purpose. We fed off of each other, balanced each other out. We each filled a hole in the other that nothing else besides another warm body could fill. And…I guess I just have a habit of choosing people who leave me. I’m gonna chalk it up to daddy issues.”

He wouldn’t pretend like that one hadn’t hurt. Because she had left him too, whether it was her fault or not. He wasn’t the only one guilty of leaving. 

But one thing that struck him was the fact that she’d mentioned her family. That was something she’d never done. He’d heard passing things about her mother, and he also knew that right now her mother was MIA, just like his own father. But her father was someone she’d never mentioned. And late at night, back on the first Normandy, there were murmurs under the deck that he’d passed away. And once she revealed it to Ashley, relating to her like no one else on the ship could, it was confirmed. Shepard may have even hugged her, but that part was still unclear and till the day she died, denied by Ash herself.

Kaidan ignored the rules, the boundaries he set for himself that he was about to break, and how he was going against his own rules to move on from Shepard and hugged her. 

After the initial shock wore off, Shepard relaxed into the embrace, letting her head find a place against his shoulder, just like old times.

“I know things are confusing right now, Shepard, but I want you to know you can always talk to me. I’m only an elevator ride away.”

She laughed briefly and pulled away to look at him. “Thanks, Kaidan.” She attempted a smile, and that was good enough for him.

“So,” he began putting away his supplies. “Dating a Drell, huh? You’re really expanding your horizons.”

She laughed a little bit more this time. “Well, I grew up surrounded by aliens, it’s only natural.”

“Also, I noticed a tattoo on your shoulder blade that I’ve never seen before. Care to explain?”

“Well…” She shrugged. “You only live once, right? Or twice in my case.”

 

It may have been a stupid decision, not that she would admit it. But it was spur of the moment, and the transition between James’ flirtatious smirk to his floundering for words was priceless. 

She had laughed and to his surprise taken a seat next to him. 

“Well getting your name sounds a little too high school to me, but I could go for matching.”

His eyes opened wide. “You’re kidding.”

“I am about to put my life in the hands of a Batarian to get an N7 tattoo. I am 100% serious.”

He had watched her for a moment and smiled. “You never stop surprising me, Lola.”

Kaidan nearly rolled his eyes. “Now we’re making jokes about your death, huh?”

“What?? I hear my implants helped me out, the least I can do is hint at the fact that I was brought back from the dead every once in a while. Think of it as a sort of…respect for everything that’s been given to me.”

“Well pardon me if I can’t give Cerberus any “respect”. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad you’re alive, but they’ll always be monsters.”

Shepard nodded. “Understood, Major.” She followed him as he walked to the elevator. “Ready to venture out into the Far Rim?”

“I’m ready to follow you anywhere, Commander.”

 

And when he said that, he meant it. Even into a war between the Geth and the Quarian, a conflict years in the making that had finally peaked. And he’d even follow her to meet a Reaper up close; though he’d never considered she’d do something as crazy as take it one on one.

Admiral Garrel’s panicked voice sounded over their linked comm units. 

“Damn it, their jamming towers have us targeting manually. We can’t make a precision shot!”

“We may escape before it recovers.” Legion spoke, he guessed to Shepard, who was currently outside the shuttle the Geth managed to locate, manning the turret. 

“No. Pull over.” She demanded. 

Legion obeyed, but if Kaidan didn’t know any better he’d say the synthetic was worried. “Shepard-Commander?”

“If we run away, the Geth stay under Reaper control and the Quarians are dead.” She turned to face the fallen Reaper. “This ends now.”

“Are you insane, Shepard? You can’t go up against that thing!” Kaidan rose from his seat and could see her through the pod’s shield. He could see the look of determination plastered on her face. There was no changing her mind now.

She ignored him. “EDI, patch the Quarians to the Normandy’s weapon system. I want the targeting laser synced up to the whole damn fleet.”

“Do you need assistance?” Legion questioned. 

“Just stay down, Legion. I’ll take it from here.”

“Shepard-Commander….Good luck.”

“Acknowledged.”

Kaidan couldn’t help but smile at their bond, but inside he was shaking with worry.

 

Shepard knew before even stepping foot in front of the ancient machine that staring down a Reaper was one of the scariest things she would ever do. There were a number of close calls, more than she’d like to admit, and she could feel that some of her armor melting from the heat coming off the laser. But when it finally fell she breathed a sigh of relief. 

She thought this would be it, that no one had to die today. But she was wrong. She knew it was necessary, that Legion had to do what was best for his people. She just wished that she didn’t have to lose yet another friend to do it. And yet she was still forced to watch him fall, watch the light fizzle out like the hope she had left.

And there was nothing she could do to stop it.

 

Shepard cringed as Dr. Chakwas applied medi-gel to her burns. 

“I’m almost done.”

“This is what you get for playing chicken with a Reaper, Lola.” James commented as he leaned against the counter.

She rolled her eyes. “It’s dead, isn’t it?”

“You’re lucky you aren’t. That was just plain loco.”

“And did you really expect anything less, Mr. Vega?” Chakwas smiled slightly.

“Nope.” He grinned. He paused before leaving, as if he wanted to say something else. But he settled for a “later, Commander” thrown over his shoulder. 

“Uh, Commander? I’ve got a call from Admiral Hannah Shepard for you.” Joker spoke over the comm.

Shepard jumped up, disregarding Dr. Chakwas’ attempts to tend to her wounds, and ran from the room, rushing past James barefoot in only a sports bra and fatigues. On the way to the elevator she nearly bumped into Kaidan and rushed through an apology. She ignored all the looks she was getting and finally ran into the comm room and pressed the button.

“Mom??”

“My baby,” Hannah smiled, the wrinkles at the edges of her eyes deepening. 

“Where are you? Where have you been? Are you okay?”

“Whoa whoa, one question at a time. I’m with Admiral Hackett, helping with the crucible. The first time on earth in over ten years and that was when the Reapers decided to attack but I’m okay. I made it out alive. Lost some good men and women though… What about you? You look like hell.”

Shepard rolled her eyes. “I’m ‘Commander Shepard’, Mom, if I didn’t look like hell I’d be surprised.”

Hannah laughed; she was always able to appreciate a good joke even at the worst of times. But her smile faded and she looked to her daughter.

Shepard could see the worry in the eyes she knew were the color of dark coffee, despite the blue appearance everyone had over this thing. 

Hope sighed. “I’d be lying if I said I was okay.”

“I met up with David while on earth. He’s how I ended up being appointed to Admiral and helping with the one plan people have to stop those damned Reapers. He’s worried about you, says you might be taking on too much, being too hard on yourself. I mean you’ve always been this way, ever since you were a little kid, and he knows that. But he’s still worried. And so am I after hearing some of the stuff you’re managing to do. You just love putting yourself in the middle of everything don’t you? Curing the genophage, stopping the war between the Geth and the Quarians that’s been going on for God knows how long,” Hannah made some wild hand gesture and Shepard smiled.

“Word gets around fast, huh? I just spoke with Admiral Hackett a half hour ago.”

“It keeps morale up to tell people how many amazing things you’re accomplishing.” She sighed wistfully. “Your father would be so proud.”

Shepard swallowed hard. “Thanks, Mom.” 

“Hope, don’t hesitate to call me or David, do you understand? You know he thinks of you as a daughter and ever since your dad died…”

“I know, Mom, I know. And I will, I promise.”

“Good.” She nodded, smiling and then looked to someone off camera. “Looks like that’s my cue to go.”

“One more thing, Mom, you must have more connections on earth than I do. I need you to find someone. Make that plural. Maria and Nick Alenko.”

A flash of recognition passed across her features and she nodded. “Alenko…I know that name… He re-enlisted in Vancouver, our units were stationed close to one another. I’m not sure where he is now… And Maria? He mentioned he had a wife…and a son. I’m assuming you’re doing this for him.”

“Kaidan.” Shepard nodded. “We’re…close. Or we used to be. It’s complicated.”

“I’ll reach out to the people I can, see if I can find anything out and I’ll let you know as soon as I do.”

“Thanks, Mom, I appreciate it.”

“Goodbye, sweetheart. I love you.”

“I love you too,” she replied, smiling and watched as her mother cut off the transmission. 

Upon exiting the room and turning the corner Shepard bumped right into James.

“Vega? What’s up?”

“The doc wanted me to come find you, said she needs to finish patching you up… Everything…okay?”

“Yeah,” she smiled and began walking back to the med-bay, knowing James would follow. “That was my mom. I hadn’t heard from her since the Reapers landed on Earth I was uh…” She paused to swallow hard and take a deep breath. “I was worried…with all the casualties I didn’t know if…well you know.” 

James nodded. “Glad she’s alright. And what about your pops?”

Shepard’s brow creased slightly but she smiled as she got into the elevator. “He died when I was 15 so I know where he is.” And then the doors closed, with James on the other side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have the next chapter already written so I should be able to update sooner! Comments are always appreciated <3


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